The Thin Line Between Love And Hate
by Johnathan-117
Summary: Lt. Cayde has found something that he just can't quit in Adrian Fii. It eats at him like addiction for a drug. One evening, after the others in his unit are asleep and he's walking floor checks, he stops to think on it.


Y'know, I never expected it to be this way.

I had everything planned out perfect in my life - well, pretty much perfect, with allowances for some leeway here and there. The kind of leeway like being-made-commander-of-the-Hellions, getting-transferred-to-the-UNSC-Resolute type leeway.

Not break-every-single-personal-oath-I've-ever-made type leeway.

But you, you red-headed sonofabitch... You just had to ruin my program, now didn't you?

Walkin these halls at night, they give a guy time to think about things that he oughtn't want to think about. They give him time where he's alone, hours of it, where his company's his own mind and that's a dangerous compatriot.  
Especially when he's got shit to think about that he don't even want to.

Yeah, that's right. I never wanted to think about you this way. It was supposed to be the other way around. One fling, one romp in the shower, and you'd be chasin after me for good, chasin my sweet little ass and wanting after me so bad you could taste it... And I'd never give it again, not the way you wanted it. A little touch, a little caress, a little blow here and there... But never again would I give you my body.

Yeah, that worked real fuckin well.

I won't admit that I've met my match in you... Because I haven't. I'm way out of my league and in over my head here, with you... Hell, I can't count the number of nights we've spent in each other's arms... I can't count the number of illicit little encounters we've had down hallways and alcoves, I can't count the number of time's I've moaned your name, buried my face in your shoulder, dug my nails into your back, wrapped my legs around your waist...

Screamed my ecstatic release as you came inside me...

Somewhere along the line here, I fucked up. I was so intent on chasin you, that I forgot that this game is played on a razor's edge, the edge being the player's position, and on one side's hate and the other side's obsession... And in my pursuit of you, I made a misstep.

And now you're there, every single fucking second of my day. Leading my every thought, tinting every word I speak, every breath I take... It's all with a thought of you and your touch and how I can't get enough of the sound of your voice.

Every night, you either come to my bunk or to Reaper's, and still we'll sit and talk for hours and hours on end. And every hour, I swear to god, I feel like less and less of the man I am and more and more of what I want you to want me to be.

I've heard people in our unit, wax on and on about how they love this or that person. I've heard everything, seen everything - fuck, I think once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, I might have even felt this for someone before. But that was a long time ago, and she's been dead a long time, and I won't let anyone hurt me like that again...

But I forgot, and I got sloppy... and now I'm remembering that there's sometimes people that come into our lives that crack the fucking foundations with their every breath. They take you for all you're worth, they take you from your senses and they bind you to them, without ever knowing it. They just keep on going, blind to what I swear to god everyone and no one must fucking see.

All I know is that I look at you, and you look back with those incredible eyes, and it pathetically makes my entire day. Just because you looked at me, because you took notice of me.

And that's where I knew I fucked up.

It was just supposed to be sex, I know. We were supposed to be fuck-buddies, and at first, I was okay with that. At first I thought, 'Hey, fuck yeah! I got a guy who wants repeats - another notch in my belt!'

Then that first fuckin night... that first time in the showers, you treated me so gentle... you held me afterwards...

You made me feel dirtier than I've ever felt in my life. Because for once, someone was holding me, and they didn't once call me a whore. Or a slut. Thery didn't treat me like some cheap piece of ass you pay for on leave, to fuck for a couple hours then forget about, walk away from without a second glance... You made me feel like I was something special, even though I know it was just a game, just a casual fuck...

And why the fuck do you have to do it to me every single time!?

... Look, you're out and about again. I'm here standing in the shadows, watching you go running down the hallways to answer those faint, screams in the distance. John-boy's awake and you've taken it upon yourself to take care of him. I admire that in you - I can't comfort that kid like you do. Maybe it's because he feels the whore in me, and he's secretly disgusted by it.

Goddamn you to hell, Adrian Fii.

Why'd you make me have to fall in love with you?


End file.
